Camelot - the Payette version

Enter: Richard Harris (as King Arthur)

“Camelot! Camelot!
I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Camelot, Camelot
That's how conditions are.
The rain may never fall till after sundown.
By eight, the morning fog must disappear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering than here
In Camelot.”

I remember being exposed to this 1967 musical about the story of King Arthur, Queen Guinevere and Sir. Lancelot as a little girl. My mom absolutely loved this movie and it was my first introduction to the story of King Arthur. The tale of Camelot was always so romantic and tragic at the same time. The triangle between Arthur, Lancelot and Guinevere was heartbreaking, but you couldn’t help but be wrapped up with the relationship between Lancelot and Guinevere.

Camelot with a Payette-twist: Casting the roles.

Steve and I experienced our first stupid marital decision about eight months into our marriage: we bought a dog. We both grew up with dogs and knew that we wanted to have one for ourselves one day. Well, one day turned into “now” when we made the brainless decision to visit the pound. There, we found a little black lab puppy trembling and crippled – recently deserted by his brothers and sisters that had already been picked up. After being struck with concern and love for this pitiful puppy we took him home; the first night, week, year was awful. Crying, coughing, pooping, peeing, biting, chewing, shedding, barking = all the luxuries of being a dog owner. What was this charming dog’s name? Sir. Lancelot. How we decided on that name, I have no idea – but this much I can tell you: our Lancelot isn’t so dashing or brave like the medieval tales purport. Instead, he is probably one of the most paranoid, skittish and dopey dogs that ever existed.

Payette-Camelot Lancelot: A handsome character, but scared of: boxes, the kitchen floor, doors, noises, babies, balloons, feathers, whoopie cushions, citrus fruits, anything really.

Since that first majorly stupid marital decision many others were made, but the next monumental idiotic decision came two years later in the form of yet another dog. In all honesty, Steve and I thought we were being logical: “we’ll buy a small dog that will keep Lancelot company and it will be easy to take care of.” Right. This time we visited a pet store and bought a little, white, female, cockapoo. She was adorable. It was perfect – she would of course be named Guinevere…the Payette-Camelot casting was complete for now.

Payette-Camelot Guinevere: Absolutely adorable, but not at all a “lady;” an absolute terror in every sense of the word, and needs to permanently wear diapers.

Well, the Payette’s version of Camelot involves: hourly brawls, peeing, pooing, chewing, biting, barking and well – nothing of the “happily-ever-aftering” mentioned in Richard Harris' ballad. Poor Lance has wondered from day one why we brought in a furry monster whose sole desire in life is to “hunt” and torture him.

Note to self: Cathy and Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights would have been a much better literary pair to name our dogs after.


So, I believe we owe the following letter to the honorable King Arthur:

Dear King Arthur,

You’d be pleased to know that Lancelot and Guinevere really didn’t live happily ever after – at least not in the Payette version. No, there’s no need to be jealous over a budding romance. Instead, battles brew on an hourly basis and while there may be a deeply rooted appreciation of each other (mostly for chew toy purposes) – Guinevere and Lancelot have a propensity for attacking each other in a not-so-loving manner.

While I realize you have had centuries to get over this indiscretion…just thought I’d let you know, it didn’t really turn out all-that-well after all.

Here to set the record straight,

Valerie


p.s. oh, and your majesty...please, call me val

Confessions of a Part-Time D&D Dealer - Conclusion

DISCLAIMER: Before I go any further – let me state that the individuals I worked with were great, and I enjoyed getting to know all of them. That being said…

Enter: Rod Serling.

"You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Zone."

Episode 6.1 – Valerie Works at Uncle’s Games, Bellevue, WA.

So, I got this great new part-time “burn-money” job…

I quickly realized that this Uncle’s had a particular following – the role-playing, magic-card dealing, 20-sided die-throwing following.

So, the quiet, dimly-lit, calming atmosphere with the smell of old hardwood floors was replaced with the sounds of cursing Magic players outside the front door, a combination of smells wafting in from the food court just steps from the entrance, bright florescent lights, and the constant traipsing back and forth of “mall rats” (as they called themselves) that used our external facing entrance as their fast track into the rest of the mall. Not quite how I imagined it.

One of my first conversations with a co-worker involved my being educated of what “Role-Playing” really meant and that those who show up in costume ready for play-fighting are “LARPs” – Live-Action-Role-Players – not regular role players – oops…my bad! Thanks for clearing that up for me Darrell.

So, what about those games that I identified with? They did have a German board game “corner” and that’s precisely what it was…a corner, which in comparison to the rest of the store really was pretty small. In contrast, the “Magic Card Game-World of Warcraft-Dungeons & Dragons” area covered a 30 - foot wall – most of which existed behind the registers – thus forcing the sales associate to find the different items that a customer is looking for.

To give you an idea of my great knowledge in this area of product, I will illustrate a typical role-playing/magic-specific transaction with a customer:

Me addressing the individual coming into the store: “Hi, how are you doing?” (wait for response) “Is there something I can help you find?”
Bob - the Magic player extraordinaire – “Yeah, I need several packs of the 10th Edition, Chards of Alara - I’m needing to beef up my black, red, non-basic land, and artifact cards…”
Me – “?” “Um sure” (I chuckle out loud)…”you’ll have to point all of that out to me. Here, I’ll point my finger starting from the top (all of the boxes of cards were lined on shelves behind me) and stop me when I get close.”
Bob – Smirking and obviously thinking, “what in the world is this chick doing here” answers “sure.”

{we play the “getting warmer” game and I am finally able to identify the packs he wants}

Me –“alright a couple of packs you said?”
Bob – “yes, but can I see the box and pick out the packs myself?”
Me – “Sure…” I take the boxes down and set them on the counter in front of me. I stand and watch while Bob has a mini séance to determine which packs in the box he wanted to purchase. Touching them, weighing them, etc. he finally makes a decision.
Bob – “I’ll take these” – meanwhile I put back all of the packs that had been taken out during his ‘process of elimination’ exercise.

Great customer service, wouldn’t you say?


So, my last day at Uncle’s was last week…here is my letter to the clientele I leave behind:

Dear D&D/Magic Player,

I know you will miss me and my misinformed help. Know that I will miss your constant traipsing back and forth through the store – occasionally stopping to drop $4.35 for a pack of cards or perhaps a glimpse into the newest D&D book to further craft your character. I will miss having you talk to me as if I know what using a “High Ground white card” will do for your deck and how you plan to overthrow everyone with your particular strategy.

You dealt with me for 6 months. But alas, it must end. I haven’t been converted and I do not intend to ever play D&D, World of Warcraft, Star Wars minis, or Magic…I think I’ll stick to trading brick for wheat.

Thanks for your patience all these months.

Off to buy my last tube of Uncle’s subsidized- Dior mascara,

Valerie

Enter: Rod Serling

“Expectations that were neither warranted or lived up to. A demographic, tortured by the ignorance of an outsider…two worlds collide…only in…The Twilight Zone.”