Camelot - the Payette version

Enter: Richard Harris (as King Arthur)

“Camelot! Camelot!
I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Camelot, Camelot
That's how conditions are.
The rain may never fall till after sundown.
By eight, the morning fog must disappear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering than here
In Camelot.”

I remember being exposed to this 1967 musical about the story of King Arthur, Queen Guinevere and Sir. Lancelot as a little girl. My mom absolutely loved this movie and it was my first introduction to the story of King Arthur. The tale of Camelot was always so romantic and tragic at the same time. The triangle between Arthur, Lancelot and Guinevere was heartbreaking, but you couldn’t help but be wrapped up with the relationship between Lancelot and Guinevere.

Camelot with a Payette-twist: Casting the roles.

Steve and I experienced our first stupid marital decision about eight months into our marriage: we bought a dog. We both grew up with dogs and knew that we wanted to have one for ourselves one day. Well, one day turned into “now” when we made the brainless decision to visit the pound. There, we found a little black lab puppy trembling and crippled – recently deserted by his brothers and sisters that had already been picked up. After being struck with concern and love for this pitiful puppy we took him home; the first night, week, year was awful. Crying, coughing, pooping, peeing, biting, chewing, shedding, barking = all the luxuries of being a dog owner. What was this charming dog’s name? Sir. Lancelot. How we decided on that name, I have no idea – but this much I can tell you: our Lancelot isn’t so dashing or brave like the medieval tales purport. Instead, he is probably one of the most paranoid, skittish and dopey dogs that ever existed.

Payette-Camelot Lancelot: A handsome character, but scared of: boxes, the kitchen floor, doors, noises, babies, balloons, feathers, whoopie cushions, citrus fruits, anything really.

Since that first majorly stupid marital decision many others were made, but the next monumental idiotic decision came two years later in the form of yet another dog. In all honesty, Steve and I thought we were being logical: “we’ll buy a small dog that will keep Lancelot company and it will be easy to take care of.” Right. This time we visited a pet store and bought a little, white, female, cockapoo. She was adorable. It was perfect – she would of course be named Guinevere…the Payette-Camelot casting was complete for now.

Payette-Camelot Guinevere: Absolutely adorable, but not at all a “lady;” an absolute terror in every sense of the word, and needs to permanently wear diapers.

Well, the Payette’s version of Camelot involves: hourly brawls, peeing, pooing, chewing, biting, barking and well – nothing of the “happily-ever-aftering” mentioned in Richard Harris' ballad. Poor Lance has wondered from day one why we brought in a furry monster whose sole desire in life is to “hunt” and torture him.

Note to self: Cathy and Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights would have been a much better literary pair to name our dogs after.


So, I believe we owe the following letter to the honorable King Arthur:

Dear King Arthur,

You’d be pleased to know that Lancelot and Guinevere really didn’t live happily ever after – at least not in the Payette version. No, there’s no need to be jealous over a budding romance. Instead, battles brew on an hourly basis and while there may be a deeply rooted appreciation of each other (mostly for chew toy purposes) – Guinevere and Lancelot have a propensity for attacking each other in a not-so-loving manner.

While I realize you have had centuries to get over this indiscretion…just thought I’d let you know, it didn’t really turn out all-that-well after all.

Here to set the record straight,

Valerie


p.s. oh, and your majesty...please, call me val